I went for a walk today. Near my home is a hillside that has often intrigued me not because of its beauty, but because there are piles of rusted metal objects cascading down the side. It doesn’t bother me that it is there – I just wonder why it’s there, who pushed it all over the side – you know, what the story is. It made me think about the garbage in my life and how it has gone over the edge and is starting to seep into other people’s lives. For weeks I have been negative and pessimistic which is unusual for me. I usually can see the silver lining when other people can’t. Lately it has been more difficult and my daughter has picked up on it – and she is not usually that perceptive (sorry Cait, but it is true) – (my boys don’t notice anything unless you can plug it in). I think it all began when I started training some new girls at work. They are both 22 years old and are quite talkative – guys, parties, friends, drama. I am mostly annoyed at them because I like a fairly quiet work area, but being around them made me realize how boring my life is and how I have changed so much since my youth. I really have no social life, I feel stuck in my present job and just feel ho-hum about life in general. Even though I feel like there is nothing I can do to change it right now, I did make a step today – and that was to go on a walk. I do know that I feel better when I am active – I just have had a hard time getting started. When I walk, I have a conversation with God about everything that is bugging me, the things I am thankful for and ideas about what may help me get through life – it helps me “get my head on straight” as it were. Perhaps my head is just crooked, causing my feelings to get all mixed up and because negativity is heavier, it just falls out of me – then I push it over the side, trying not to look at it, hoping that it will all just go away. Of course it doesn’t. I’ve been trying to look at the negativity and figure out how to dispose of it responsibly so it doesn’t hurt anybody, but it takes time to clean it all up. If I keep working on it though, I can eventually get my head straight and my emotions in order so that the negativity will remain on the bottom and allow the positive to lift itself up and be released and expand around me. Just thinking about the possibility makes me feel better. For that I am thankful.

20 May This entry was published on May 20, 2013 at 8:53 pm. It’s filed under Uncategorized and tagged bipolar, depressed, depression, emotions, garbage, God, manic, mid-life crisis, optimistic, pessimistic, talk to God, walk. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.