I have Bipolar II disorder. When most people think of Bipolar, they imagine someone who has high highs and low lows. I mainly have lows. When I get manic, I am agitated with racing thoughts, anger easily, am thin-skinned, get “wonderful” ideas to make a quick buck, spend foolishly and most of all I just want to run away from everything and everyone I know. I want a new life where nobody knows me – fly over the rainbow to a new land and a new life. I feel there is no hope for where I am – nothing will change, I will always feel like this, everything sucks. I am medicated now so it is not as bad as when I was not – now those were some awful times when I felt like I was absolutely going crazy. Recently I have been going through a “phase” and I do not know if it is mania or depression or simply boredom. My job is boring (not challenging) and does not give me much satisfaction anymore – although I like that I am not stressed by it. I consider changing jobs but I cannot figure out anything that I would rather be doing (other than not working at all). My kids are all doing well – which is great – but home life is boring. I don’t want to paint as much these days. I feel like I will be alone forever. I do not get excited about anything. I consider moving elsewhere but moving is so hard and I don’t want to interrupt the wonderful progress Jake has been making at school by changing his teacher and friends. And then how do I afford to move – and where would I move – what kind of job could I get – my older kids are here etc. Do I REALLY want to move? Sigh….it just seems that life is going by and I am not having any fun at all – and it frustrates me – but not enough that I will make any real changes. Because I don’t really want to. Even though it sounds like I am really depressed, it does not feel like other depressions I have had in the past and that is confusing me. I am hopeful that this “phase” is just a manic episode and that it will be over soon. I really want to be happy again. Really I do.