amylenore

Let’s Fly Away…

My beautiful pictureI have Bipolar II disorder. When most people think of Bipolar, they imagine someone who has high highs and low lows. I mainly have lows. When I get manic, I am agitated with racing thoughts, anger easily, am thin-skinned, get “wonderful” ideas to make a quick buck, spend foolishly and most of all I just want to run away from everything and everyone I know. I want a new life where nobody knows me – fly over the rainbow to a new land and a new life. I feel there is no hope for where I am – nothing will change, I will always feel like this, everything sucks. I am medicated now so it is not as bad as when I was not – now those were some awful times when I felt like I was absolutely going crazy. Recently I have been going through a “phase” and I do not know if it is mania or depression or simply boredom. My job is boring (not challenging) and does not give me much satisfaction anymore – although I like that I am not stressed by it. I consider changing jobs but I cannot figure out anything that I would rather be doing (other than not working at all). My kids are all doing well – which is great – but home life is boring. I don’t want to paint as much these days. I feel like I will be alone forever. I do not get excited about anything. I consider moving elsewhere but moving is so hard and I don’t want to interrupt the wonderful progress Jake has been making at school by changing his teacher and friends. And then how do I afford to move – and where would I move – what kind of job could I get – my older kids are here etc. Do I REALLY want to move? Sigh….it just seems that life is going by and I am not having any fun at all – and it frustrates me – but not enough that I will make any real changes. Because I don’t really want to. Even though it sounds like I am really depressed, it does not feel like other depressions I have had in the past and that is confusing me. I am hopeful that this “phase” is just a manic episode and that it will be over soon. I really want to be happy again. Really I do.

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This entry was published on May 9, 2013 at 4:17 pm. It’s filed under Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

4 thoughts on “Let’s Fly Away…

  1. Nita Lesh on said:

    Me too! I certainly have had the same and/or similar feelings with the bipolar condition I struggle with and can sympathize with the ups and downs, yours and mine. As you know, everything in life is temporary, as is life itself. I was telling someone the other day, regarding my condition, that it feels like I’m always waiting for the other shoe to fall. Throughout the years that bipolar has reared its ugly head in my life, its been trial and error to find the right balance of medication. Over the years my prescription therapy has been modified, added to and deleted from, etc., as my chemical imbalance changes. Over the years I have felt the same feelings as you to a bigger or lessor degree. Rather than bore you with my symptoms, I write to let you know you are not alone. Also, ‘this to will pass” as the days pass, and things will get better, at least for a while. Modifying our behavior the best we can is sort of like using a seat belt on our own personal roller coaster ride. Hang in, Amy. Sometimes it feels like we’ve already done the things we are doing now, just with different intensities. Maybe your feeling of doubts and questions about your future relationships is a necessary calm while you finish learning to love yourself and live with you. Patience and putting one foot in front of the other is what it will take. You can do this. I find it helpful to try visualizing and manifesting what I think I might want and then make it happen. The Universe will deliver! Thank God. Sending love ~ Nita

    • Thank you Nita! Sometimes it does feel like I am all alone in this – like nobody else feels this way or understands how it feels. Thank you for reminding me that it most likely will pass – and you are right in that I need to learn to love myself. I put on the pretense to the world that all is fine and dandy, but within I am feeling sad and frustrated and not deserving of good things. Man I need to get over it already!!

  2. Reblogged this on The Bipolar Journals and commented:
    Geez. An accurate description of me. Why are the lows getting longer?

    • Nice to know it’s not just me – although I wouldn’t wish it on anybody. Sometimes I feel absolutely crazy. I have to remind myself that it does get better – for awhile anyway.

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